Struggle

strug·gle 

ˈstrəgəl :  have difficulty handling or coping with.
 
 
Yes I have been struggling.  Deeply struggling.  With the hard onset of anxiety/panic attacks, coupled with a terrible reaction to a medication, I have been in my own psychological hell.  For about a week now I have not been able to focus, see daylight or get my brain to calm down for even half a second.  The intrusive thoughts have plagued me to the point of feeling as if I am losing my mind.  I have struggled to the point of not being able to be present for my children.  
 
 
Today – finally – I can get my head slightly above water.  The nagging feeling of anxiety is there in the back of my mind but it isn’t at the forefront.  The desire to hole up and be alone isn’t quite as strong.  I am hoping this is a sign of the medication getting out of my system and me going back to normal.  Back to a place where “hurt” and “death” aren’t part of my every waking moment.  
 
 
I feel incredibly vulnerable putting this out there due to the possibility of even one of you reading it.  I don’t want to admit the dark places that my mind has seen.  I am feeling lucky to be coming out of it.  I keep wishing, hoping and praying that tomorrow isn’t 5 steps backwards.
 
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